I lost the battle last night. Yogananda said that life is a “battle for joy” – and I lose more often than I like to admit. When you find a true teaching, a true guru, and a spiritual family who reflect and support your ideals, it is a major victory, and life seems infinitely more doable. But the real work has just begun!

There is something else Yogananda said – that we should be able to “stand unshaken amidst the crash of breaking worlds”. That brought to mind images of Yogananda standing calmly while all around him volcanoes erupted and earthquakes raged and whole worlds exploded. Then one day, while trying to hold onto joy and reason in the midst of some trivial life event, I realized that “crashing worlds” didn’t necessarily mean galactic cataclysms. Little teeny, tiny worlds crash when the car runs out of gas, or your children don’t do the dishes, or you don’t meet the deadline. So then, that understanding translated into pictures (my visual learning style is showing) of miniature little worlds exploding around me during those small, but challenging, life events that come to us daily.

But I continued to believe that I had to tackle life in big chunks. I struggled with being who I wanted to be at work, at home, being a mom, and being a friend, in this circumstance or that. I worked on defining myself as a disciple under all circumstances, and that was another step in understanding. But life is hard, and I kept working with all the tools Yogananda has given us, to do life better – with more joy and awareness.

Gradually, (so gradually!) I broke up life into smaller and smaller pieces. I worked on being joyful for this day, for this morning, for this task. I tried to be a channel for joy with this person, or while confronted with that challenge. But it was, too often, more than I could do.

I’m not sure when it happened, but a new level of understanding came clear. The battle became for each moment, each breath and each heartbeat. The battlefield is not outward circumstance, it is in the spine – where energy moves and consciousness is the territory. Now I ask Master, “How do I meet this moment with the highest consciousness?” And gradually (why does it have to take so long?), it becomes just one question and one answer, for each moment and each thought.

I lost last night because I stopped asking the question, and the slope down to lower consciousness is steep – an easy, fast ride down to the bottom. I felt the failure this morning and I didn’t want to get out of bed and face the battle again. But the battle wasn’t waiting for me when I got out of bed; it was there in bed with me! In my thoughts. Laying there meant more territory lost, and the battle wasn’t going to end because I didn’t like it. So I asked the question, “Master, how do I meet this moment with the highest consciousness?” And I got out of bed and asked again. By the time I hit the shower I felt a glimmer of victory.

Delighted, no end is actually the punch line to a joke in the Peace Treaty (Swamiji Kriyananda’s 3-act play). But it describes this weekend perfectly. People were delighted with the gardens at Crystal Hermitage.

Hi everyone, last week I shared with you photos of the first weekend of Springtime at Ananda. It was cloudy and very cold. But, many hardy souls made the trek to see Crystal Hermitage Gardens. This weekend was sunny and warm! At least 1000 people took advantage of the beautiful sunshine and came to see the Gardens this week. The tulips and cherry trees were in full glory and drinking up the sun.

People of all ages enjoyed the warmth, the amazing colors and garden artistry. I think most of Ananda was involved in helping to host this special weekend. We enjoyed each others company and especially enjoyed seeing and hearing the delightful responses to the garden.

We noticed that our visitors seemed very relaxed, they explored the nooks and crannies of the gardens and were enchanted with the small patches of color and the planting combinations.

They took time to sit and enjoy the views.

Today also was special for the students who just graduated from the month long Ananda Yoga Teacher Training course held at The Expanding Light. Several of these dedicated people came over to enjoy the garden experience before heading home. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with these new yoga teachers and feel good that they will be sharing the light in their new roles as hatha yoga instructors. Congratulations, everyone!

There were first class treats available, beautiful music, and well attended concerts throughout the day.

The pool and trees in the lower garden inspired relaxation and quiet conversations. All-in-all a very lovely event. A huge thank you to everyone involved and to all our beautiful guests.

Pictured below are Jivada and Netri Mair the head planners and gardeners. They posed for me at the end of the weekend. They look great don’t they?

Swami Kriyananda’s vision for the garden, Divine Mother’s grace, and many willing and joyful souls are responsible for the enchanting, uplifting place known as Crystal Hermitage. From this place of beauty many prayers are sent out into the world. And especially now with all that is happening on our planet we pray that you feel God’s joy deep within. Bless you all.

It’s a little hard for me to understand why I have self-acceptance or self-esteem issues.

I had a decent childhood, with no major abuse that I can remember. But certainly I’ve had this issue to deal with. And it certainly seems to me that this problem is epidemic in the world around me.

I thought I’d share some things I’ve learned about how to deal with the “I don’t like myself very much,” or “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m a complete failure” or “Others can do it, but I can’t” syndrome.

One place to start is a bit of introspection about the origin of issues like this. For me, I think it springs from two places:

1) Past incarnations in which I didn’t measure up to my own or others’ expectations of me.

2) Present incarnation, in which I never seemed to be successful enough, though I tried mightily.

Example: I was a good student and often, though not always, brought home straight-A report cards. Upon seeing one of these, my mother would say: “Why don’t you do this on every report card?”

And then there was the “sin thing.” Being raised a Southern Baptist, I was taught, from birth, that we are all sinners, damned to hell.

Please understand that I’m not (nor should you) blaming anybody or any circumstances of my life. I chose this life, my parents, my religious background, my personality—everything!—for purposes of learning the lessons I needed to learn in this life. (And so, by the way, did you!)

But please don’t dwell too long on the exact causes of low self-esteem, if you have trouble with it. The main thing to do is to ask: “What do I do about it?”

First suggestion: Avoid the ego trip of self-negation. “What???” You say. “How could an inferiority complex be egotistical?” It would seem to be just the opposite, right?

But Paramhansa Yogananda clearly stated that: “…an inferiority complex and a superiority complex are opposite sides of the same coin.”

It took me a while to understand this important statement, so let me give you an example from my life. When I first moved to Ananda, instead of feeling the bliss and total harmony with others here that I expected, and instead of having great meditations and going immediately into samadhi, I found myself judging myself severely and comparing myself to everybody else living here—they all seemed like real saints to me.

“It’s hard living here!” I thought. “They are strong. They can do all this meditation and attitude changing and working on themselves constantly. I’m simply not strong enough to do this all the time! They are courageous. I am a coward. I’m too weak. I should leave Ananda and not inflict myself on these great souls, thereby bringing down the wonderful vibrations at Ananda with my ICKY presence.”

Fortunately for me, I voiced these thoughts to a dear friend and fellow disciple. She thought it over and then said very sweetly, “By having such thoughts you are just being tricked by your own ego. Listen to yourself: ‘I am not this, and I am not that, and I can’t do this or that! I, I, I, me, me, me’!”

Wow! She was right, and I was able to hear this! So I sat right down and changed my attitude—almost on the spot! I started affirming (and still do): “Naughty or good, Divine Mother, I am your child. I am Master’s disciple. I am made in God’s infinite image. So what if I’m not perfect. That’s what I’m here to become! I am one with the Infinite AUM—that’s all that’s important! If I behave badly, that is not the essential me.” And there were many other such affirmations that came to me or are in Swami Kriyananda’s or Yogananda’s writings.

Another lesson: I met my husband, Sudarshan, here at Ananda. About a year after we were married in 1980, he said: “Savitri, I want to tell you something that I’ve been observing about you. You are a very kind person, very sweet, very loving. But you would never treat anybody as badly as you treat yourself. Why do you do this? Don’t you know you are being disrespectful to God within you?”

Wow, again! Again it was truly time for me to hear these words and really start trying to do something about it—to start treating myself better, as I would treat others, taking time to do fun things and to get enough rest and so on.

Show some respect for the God within you!

Swami Kriyananda has offered many worthwhile suggestions specifically for those who work with this challenge. In fact, he wrote a whole book about it called “Secrets of Self-Acceptance.” There’s a wonderful introduction to that book from which I quote:

“While traveling the road back to self-acceptance, bear in mind that you, in common with every other human being, are unique. The melody you have to sing is yours alone for all eternity. The role you have to play on Life’s stage can be played by no one else. Your allotted task is to learn to play it to perfection. That melody, however, or that role, belongs to a more expanded Selfhood than the realities you experience in your little ego. Transcend all limitation by contemplating ever-more-expanding vistas of reality. Ultimately, you will discover who you really are, behind all the ego masks that you—in common with most human beings. [Learn to move] from the ego-squeeze of self-rejection to the relaxation and joy that accompany self-expansion and total self-acceptance.”

Here’s one of my favorite “Secrets” from the same book: “The secret of self-acceptance is not identifying yourself with failure. Neither success nor failure can define you, who are made in the image of Infinite Perfection.”

And to close:
A suggested affirmation for the highest level of self-acceptance:

“No matter what happens to me or around me,
No matter what others think of me or what I do,
I love and value myself.
For I realize that I am not the little self only,
But also the greater Self,
Made by God, made in God’s image,
Ever-perfect, ever-free!”

The past two days were the first weekend of the long-awaited-for Springtime at Ananda Open House. After many, many months of preparation the doors were thrown open and the public was invited to share in the glorious colors of the Crystal Hermitage Gardens.

As you can see, the weather was not spring-like. In fact, it was quite winter-like and for most of the two days it threatened to rain. (And it snowed last evening!) The members of Ananda who were on hand to host this popular event dressed in parkas and hats.

Last year we greeted hundreds of people per weekend. This year the numbers have been far fewer. But those who braved the cold were greeted by warm and loving smiles and treated to dramatic skies and richly colored tulips, pansies, alysums, and green shrubs and trees. We also had a selection of fine teas donated by Teavana, and gourmet scones baked by Netri.

One good thing about the cold weather is that the tulips and other flowers may last longer. According to the weather service the rest of the week will continue to be cloudy and cool. At the moment, it appears that it will not rain next weekend - so we are hopeful that people will hop in their cars and visit.

The amount of planning and planting that went into the gardens, the planning that went into hosting potentially large crowds required a nearly heroic output of energy. But, no one complained that the turnout was smaller than expected and actually took the timeless advise to “not be attached to the fruits of our labors” to heart.

Major projects, like new stone paving near the standing Buddha, a french drain and new stone pavers around the retaining wall at the entrance to the dome were completed in the last hours before the doors opened. Railings were put up all along the stairs leading down to the gardens and the path to the upper entrance was rerouted to lessen the incline. The path now is not only easier, it is more beautiful in how it opens up in front of the gates at the shrine.

I wandered around the gardens these past few day, enjoying conversation with my friends and feasting my eyes on spectacular colors. I used a variety of lenses and tried angles to challenge myself to see new things.

The overcast skies create nice lighting conditions for flowers. Yesterday, after a light rain there were little rain drops on the tulips that looked like diamonds.

Every year, Netri, Jivada and the green team plant new color combinations so the waves of color this year were unique. And there is more to come. Because of the weather, the tulips on the lower terrace are slower than the upper terraces and have yet to bloom.

This morning begins a week of team teaching and evaluations of the yoga teacher trainees. The past three week students from the US, Switzerland, and Sweden have been studying Ananda Yoga at The Expanding Light. They are a delightful and dedicated group. I am going to head over to Hansa Temple to serve as one of the evaluators. So, I will end this post with photos of some of the flowers. Blessings to you all. Love, Barbara

Note from the editor: Krishna Deep, a monk at Ananda’s new community in Pune, is writing about Yogananda’s birthday celebration there in March 2009.

Dear Gurubhais,

Wish you all happy Master’s birthday!!!

Entrance to the community, graced by Master’s presence.

Today is a special day for all of us, no doubt. The sacred ceremony of the monastic vows is taking place today, on our beloved Master’s birthday, in Gurgaon. I thought I would take this opportunity to write to all of you, and include a few pictures about what’s going on in Pune.

It has been just about a year since a handful of us came here to this beautiful city, with Swami Kriyananda. As I was walking on the community land today, I was struck by how much we grew over the year.

It may be that my brain works a little strangely, but only when nobody else was around (it was just me and Avinash on the land today), did I realized just how much was going on here!

We now have houses for Swamiji and our spiritual directors Dharmadas and Nirmala, some kutirs (cabins) for Swamiji’s staff, a garden, a monastery, a “tent city,” a guest retreat with a kitchen and a temple. We also have a pet dog Boo.

So much construction going on!

There is certainly no doubt that this place is going to become very special (it already is!) in the near future. It is hard to convey through pictures, but it is very easy to see once you’re here, what God is creating through many willing instruments — a place of beauty, harmony and peace.

It is a wonderful opportunity to serve, meditate and have a truly simple living and high thinking.

“Seva House” — the guest retreat

Plans and meetings have already begun as to how we would accommodate guests when they come here to meet Swamiji, especially during spiritual events. There were a few days of trying to work out where everyone would stay, how would food and transport be arranged, and how a transition from the rustic to the modern could be arranged, etc.

I don’t know about others, but my mind was certainly whirling. Today however, it was clear that it would all be taken care of, for the one reason that Master is there with and within all of us.

Swami Kriyananda’s house, seen through the trees

Though there always will be the whole American vs. Indian ways of doing things (as in, “what do you mean shower, we take bucket baths here!” Or, “what do you mean you need to leave right now, there is always time for chai!” ), the work is happening just the way it is meant to be — a right balance of the best of East and West.

Swami Kriyananda’s house

It is very exciting to me as an Indian, to be a part of India’s first cooperative community.

Even though I knew the moment I came to Ananda that this is the right way to live, something in my Indian gut kept asking questions.

India has never had a model of community living. It is considered abnormal to live away from your family with “other people”. Ananda however, will lead the way for sure, because we are a spiritual community.

Kutirs (small cabins) being built

The recent wave of gated communities model is already catching across the nation. This is when young people leave their old parents in someone else’s care or an old–age home, to live in a condo with other people like themselves.

Even though this is not the best reason for living together as a community, people at least are beginning to get the idea of community living.

We now can say Ananda is a “spiritual gated community”, where the condo you live in is Bliss!

Monks’ temple

View from the monastery.

Future site for the convent (above the consruction)

The garden. We have tomatoes, squash, basil, etc

A healthy avocado tree is saying, “I predict guacamole in your future!”

Our rustic kitchen (don’t worry, we have a community kitchen as a backup!)

Early dawn

The monks are praying (and having fun)

Happy birthday, Gurudeva… May Thy love shine forever on the sanctuary of our devotion, and may we be able to awaken Thy love in all true hearts!

There was a conversation I had with a friend of mine yesterday, who said, “You people (referring to Ananda) are just living wa-ay too–easy life.

“Look at my Guru, he’s changing the whole world. You people are trying to create a small ashram on a tiny piece of land. But my Guru, for him each city in this world is like a tiny piece of land, where he is building ashrams.”

Even though I was slightly taken aback by this unexpected flow of words from him, I decided I would keep quiet.

In my mind, I kept saying, “Master, I love You alone”.