Once we are sincerely seeking God, and the longing for truth becomes stronger than the call of the material world, God sends a guru. When we feel that we can give our life to the spiritual path and the guidance of the guru, we become a disciple. When we become a disciple, life may change in profound ways, but it doesn’t go away. Life is still there, in all its glorious complexities, and we still have to engage in it. The challenge of discipleship is not doing what the guru asks of us, it is doing what the guru asks, EVERY DAY. The challenge is living our discipleship.
Ananda Village offers a month-long course called Living Discipleship, and I had the extreme privilege of participating with eight remarkable souls from Portland and other Ananda communities. The program is required for those who plan to be residents and encouraged for all kriyaban disciples. We took the good – natured teasing about being live disciples and the inevitable comments about the alternative: dead disciples. But we all knew it was the verb we were there to focus on – living and applying discipleship to every part of life.
Meditation Retreat Temple
The course takes place (for now – things are always changing at Ananda) at the Ananda Meditation Retreat, away from the busier scene of Ananda Village. The setting is remote, quiet, beautiful, inspiring, and nurturing to the sensitive inner searching that the program is designed to encourage. (If you have an opportunity to visit the area, make the extra effort to see the Meditation Retreat, located about 6 miles from Ananda Village.)
The program is full – it is not a slow paced, quiet retreat from the world. You commit to being away from your “normal” outer life patterns, to enable a deep focus on the inner life patterns that are needed for discipleship. Much like turning off the car radio helps you focus on finding an unfamiliar address on a dark road; turning down the input from outer demands frees energy that is not usually available – so a larger commitment can be made to the work at hand.
Praying at the altar
The work we engaged in was to joyfully use the tools and techniques the guru has given us for Self-Realization. We had classes on the four techniques taught by Paramhansa Yogananda: Energization, Hong-Sau, Aum and Kriya, all taught by long-time devotees whose lives are examples of discipleship in the deepest form. Kriya is required for the course – we were all familiar with the techniques. But this was detailed review and group practice; a rare opportunity for busy disciples who are constantly engaged in the demands of life.
We also went deeply into various aspects of yoga we can use to awaken devotion, expand awareness, focus energy, and purify consciousness. All those things we know, as disciples, that we should be doing regularly but often barter away in the market of worldly demands. So we had long sessions of hatha yoga postures and discussions about attunement and renunciation. We studied the Festival of Light (a ceremony performed every week at Ananda Sunday Services), and we explored the attitudes that can get us into trouble or bring us closer to freedom on the spiritual path.
Retreat gardens
We chanted and did healing prayers with the great enthusiasm and joy that comes when you really commit time and energy to doing it. And we served; giving our energy into the infinite flow of divine energy that makes Ananda possible.
We had the opportunity to hear about the work Ananda does worldwide, the karmic lessons learned from 12 years of legal battle, and the financial workings of an ever expanding spiritual work. These classes were joyful and inspiring as well – far beyond what you might expect of “nuts and bolts” topics. But the question, “How does all this really work?” is a normal and expected one. Living discipleship means having a daily, practical understanding, not just an airy fairy hope that all will work out in the end.
Garden shrine… one of many!
And then (yes, there is more!) we had 4 ½ days of group seclusion. Due to the festivities of the Fourth of July weekend, our seclusion was shortened a bit. You may conclude that the seclusion was a reward, after a demanding, and somewhat exhausting, 2 weeks. I have to say it felt a bit like that to me, too. But seclusion is how we make the outward lessons become inner reality.
Majestic view from Retreat grounds
The true work of discipleship is inward – the outward struggles are really not all that important in the larger picture. The purpose of studying and learning the teachings of Self-Realization is to take that understanding within. As disciples, we have asked our guru to help us – not to understand and be able talk about everything in great detail, but to actually become Self-Realized and completely free from delusion.
So seclusion is a break from outward activity, but it isn’t a break from the work our guru has charged us to do. Our seclusion in the program included group meditations and group meals, but we had several hours during the day to use as we felt inspired. And we were in silence – blessed, sweet, grace-filled silence. Paramhansa Yogananda said, “The Lord comes not in outward noise, nor when the mind is agitated, but in inner silence. His very being is silence. In silence He speaks to the soul.”
When I’m asked if the Living Discipleship program was “fun”, I’m caught. I can’t say it was fun, like swimming in a cool river on a hot day is fun. The inner realities I struggle with, after almost 30 years of discipleship, are not minor battles – they are intense and messy. My spiritual muscles got a workout! But the memories of the time in the Living Discipleship program are also filled with laughter, friendship, joyful, intimate communion with my guru, and deep gratitude for the gifts we have been given on this path.
Entrance to the Meditation Retreat
I encourage you to look at the Living Discipleship program if you are a kriyaban and serious about moving forward in your spiritual growth. Mangala heroically coordinates the program and would be happy to answer your questions. Write to her at Mangala@expandinglight.org.
My apologies for the long post. Next time it will be short and sweet.
In divine friendship,
Lorna
It has been several years since I made that first trip from Los Angeles to Ananda Village, but the experience stands out in my memory for several reasons.
I still remember clearly the morning I stepped into the reception area of the Expanding Light Retreat. I don’t remember being ever greeted by strangers anywhere so lovingly, so warmly before. I was charmed from the very beginning!
Then I got a tour around the area and I can still feel the joy of my hostess as she took me around. I had never come across such a happy person – happy, apparently to simply show a guest around a resort…and I wondered. As it would turn out that was only the beginning; I would pause and wonder many times during that trip.
Helicopter landing near the Village green
Smoky air…
I was waiting for my room in the reception foyer when I thought I heard a helicopter outside. I couldn’t believe my ears. Helicopters belong in LA, not here! – I remember thinking to myself!
However when I peeked outside, I saw that the sun’s light had turned orange in the dark smoke that was curling out in the distance. Before I realized what was happening I, along with everyone else, was asked to get in their cars and leave the Expanding Light area – there was a fire!
Ananda’s “downtown” area obscured by fire smoke
As I had flew into Sacramento and took a shuttle up to Ananda expecting nothing but an uneventful, peaceful week, all I had with me was a small carry-on. As I got into someone else’s car with my bag I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. I was whisked away from the hill top down to a meadow like area which I would later come to know as the Master’s Market. As I stepped out of the car, not knowing what to expect next, I found myself looking at a huge crowd of people.
Prayer circle
Someone was asking everyone to fall in a circle – she seemed very familiar – I felt I had seen her before. Again, as I was to find out, that was a feeling I would have many times that week at the Village. Everyone gathered around in a large circle.
I looked around to see happy, calm eyes of people chanting Aum. That resounding Aum awakened something in me and as I joined in with everyone else I felt so much at home, so much in place!
Invoking divine protection
We had powerful prayers going on till the afternoon. I was amazed to see people so calm, so loving and joyful even in the midst of an ongoing fire. Again I remember thinking “These people have their houses on fire – literally! – What keeps them so peaceful, calm and joyful? What is the source of this courage and strength?”
I was, along with other retreat guests, asked if I would like to leave given it was uncertain when the fire would subside. While all the other guests left I wanted to stay back. Ananda had hooked me! The place and the people felt strangely familiar and there was no way I was leaving before finding out all about it!
One of Ananda volunteer firefighters
As we continued to pray in the circle, we got word that the fire had been brought under control. The firefighter captain came down and congratulated us on our successful prayers. He said the wind was blowing the fire closer to the Expanding Light when there was a sudden shift in the wind and the fire was driven away.
Later that day I was offered to stay with one of the residents at her house. I accompanied her to a community meeting in the evening. Everywhere I went I came across joyful, happy people. Their eyes mesmerized me with their warmth of love and depth of joy, seeming to pour from deep within. “What is this place? Are these people real?” I asked myself. I came across so many faces that seemed so familiar – how is that possible?
Everything’s under control!
I attended Sunday Service the next morning. Again I had never experienced anything like that before! Words fail me to describe the wide range of emotions I felt that morning. Finally when everyone sang together during the Festival of lights I remember feeling “This is how heaven is, this is how heaven must feel!”
Little did I know I had stumbled across a place that would help me find my guru, awaken yearnings long buried under dusts of day-to-day familial life and launch me on an incredible journey of spiritual awakenings.
Peaceful village the day after the fire
Thank you, Swami Kriyananda! Thank you, Ananda! For being what you are – a beacon of Divine’s Mother love and light for God-thirsty, truth-seeking souls everywhere.
Often I tell Kriya Yogis, particularly those who are math-challenged, that there are only two ‘mathematical equations’ one needs to memorize in order to achieve success on the path of Kriya.
“Twenty-five percent of spiritual success comes by the devotee’s effort.
“Twenty-five percent comes by the Guru’s effort on his behalf.
“And fifty percent comes by the grace of God.”
—Paramhansa Yogananda
Whenever I see myself or others bogging down spiritually, this formula will invariably help me get back on track.
Keep in mind that the devotee’s 25% part means 100% of his or her effort. How we apply that effort will determine results we get from Kriya Yoga, or from any spiritual practice.
I had a very interesting experience several years ago that served as an analogy for Yogananda’s formula for spiritual success. I was on pilgrimage in India with a good friend.
One morning we went to a remote bank of the Ganges to practice Kriya Yoga. We had a wonderful meditation in a quiet setting. There wasn’t another soul around – very unusual in India!
After meditating, I slowly walked into the Ganges to bathe, remembering that it is a very sacred river with the power to wash away one’s sins.
(I also remembered Yogananda’s wry comment that, for many people, their sins are awaiting when they come out of the river, much like their clothes hanging in the trees on the river’s bank!)
I had gone about twenty feet into the water, which was flowing very calmly at that place, when suddenly I stepped into quicksand.
The reason I’m not using an exclamation point here is because these types of nature experiences seem to happen all too often to me. I’ve been rescued by helicopter from a mountain-climbing accident, caught in a tornado, struck by lightning, etc., etc. In fact, this was the second time in my life that I’ve dealt with quicksand.
Because of that, my experience-based reaction was simply, “So, Divine Mother, what fun are you going to have with me today?”
As it often happens with quicksand, my feet struck solid ground after sinking about thigh deep. The water was up to my chest, lapping gently. I was in no immediate danger, but anyone with a quicksand experience would know that I was very, very stuck.
No matter how hard I tried to move, my legs and feet refused to budge.
It’s a very good analogy as to what brings most people onto the spiritual path.
People will sometimes face impossible long-term obstacles, only to be moved to utter despair, when at the end they fail in spite of their very best efforts. Often that is what turns them toward seeking God and the help of a Guru.
Fortunately, I had a ‘guru’ in the form of my dear friend Vidura, who was standing safely on the solid bank, free from the ‘delusion’ in which I was completely stuck.
I called him over, showed him a safe spot to stand, and asked him to reach over and help me.
Even with Vidura pulling on my hand with all his might, it still took my best effort and cooperation with my ‘guru’ to get me out.
If I had casually laid out my hand for Vidura and said lazily, “I’m ready, guruji (to continue the analogy), you can now save me,” or if I had struggled merely on my own, I would still be stuck in that quicksand.
It is the very same for success on any spiritual path, but especially the path of Kriya Yoga.
It takes our very best effort, and the help of a Guru who is on safe ground and on very good terms with God. And also, importantly, it takes our willing cooperation with the Guru’s efforts to get out of our delusions.
This cooperation takes the form of following the discipline and practices the Guru gives us, and doing them just as he teaches.
It also means attunement and devotion to the Guru, which make us receptive to his grace, love, and help.
And it takes our deep devotion and self-offering to God.
Any time you feel yourself bogging down spiritually, practice introspection and apply Yogananda’s mathematical equation for spiritual success.
Ask yourself:
“Am I making enough effort to get out of my trouble? Is it the right kind of effort?
“Am I following the teachings of my Guru to the best of my ability, and am I cooperating with his efforts on my behalf?
“Am I depending too much on my own efforts, and not opening myself enough to the grace of God and the help of the Guru?”
Then remember Yogananda’s other important ‘equation:’
“Kriya Yoga plus devotion works like mathematics. It cannot fail.”
Then ask yourself again:
“Am I doing everything in my life with a sense of devotion and self-offering to God?”
When you remember to apply Yogananda’s two simple equations, you will inevitably find the ultimate success: Self-realization and freedom in God.
——————
On another subject: We are trying to help one of our Ananda members from Mexico City to visit Ananda this summer. He’s a very fine man who teaches music at a school in Mexico City, and isn’t able to afford the air fare to California. If anyone would like to donate their frequent flyer miles to help bring Allejandro to Ananda Village this summer, please contact me by clicking on the “Email Devarshi” link at the top right of this page. Thank you!
Note from the editor: May 22 marked the launch of a newly published original edition of the Autobiography of a Yogi in Italian. The event took place in Milan.
Swami Kriyananda addressed a full room of 500 avid listeners, after having given a number of magazine and television interviews the previous days, and a private donors’ dinner at the hotel.
The event seemed to be happening in an astral heaven, with every little detail full of brilliant light and colors: the flowers, the musicians, the choir, the new Autobiography and other books, including the Italian publication of the New Renunciate Order.
Entrance to the Hotel Brun where the launch took place
As people came into the hall, Ananda musicians were chanting Wave of the Sea (devotional chant by Yogananda), creating an uplifting atmosphere. Narya Tossetto, one of Ananda Europa leaders, introduced the evening. Then the choir sang songs in Italian and English, with Door of My Heart in Bengali as well.
Chanting
Two well-known Italian authors spoke briefly about the importance of the Autobiography in their lives, and about Swami Kriyananda as a magnificent channel for Yogananda’s presence and love. A known television personality gave his testimony, and then there was a brief slide show of images and quotations from Yogananda.
Swami Kriyananda speaking
Swami Kriyananda spoke for over an hour, most of it while standing, and the entire audience was rapt in their attention and wrapped in an aura of bliss.
It seemed that no one was breathing. Many in the audience were new to Ananda, and everyone left with light in their eyes. Swami Kriyananda told the story of his meeting with Yogananda and other stories, transmitting the experience that Yogananda is the nearest of the near and the dearest of the dear.
Autobiography of a Yogi
He urged people to get the book in its new translation of the original edition, the version which changed his own life and consciousness, and that of countless thousands, even millions, of other truth seekers.
A part of the success of the Autobiography, he said, actually traces back to him. In the early years, the book didn’t sell well. In fact it was offered to many publishers, but none of them were interested. Only the Philosophical Library press took it on. It did not sell well for them, so SRF, the organization Yogananda founded, was able to get the publishing rights back.
At this time Swami Kriyananda was in charge of correspondence and the Lessons, Yogananda’s home-study course. He noticed that most people dropped out after a year, and almost all, after two years. But those who stayed were those who had read the Autobiography. So he suggested that instead of promoting the Lessons, they should promote the book. His proposal was accepted, and from that time the book’s distribution began to grow.
Swami Kriyananda singing with the choir
To date, nearly the entire printing of 5000 Italian copies has been sold or placed in bookstores all over Italy through our distributor, which is the second or perhaps by now the largest, distributor in the country. We will be reprinting soon.
The talk will soon be posted on internet, in Italian of course. No translation is available at this time.
Swami Kriyananda
Swami Kriyananda then left for a few days of vacation, and then on May 27 he flies to Seville, Spain, where he will be joined by about devotees from Ananda Assisi and hundreds of Spanish devotees, to launch the Spanish translation of the original Autobiography.
He returns to Assisi on May 31, and after a few days of rest, goes on to Rome where on June 5 he will be one of the keynote speakers at the Rome Yoga Festival, speaking to hundreds, perhaps over a thousand people, in the vast park grounds of an ancient Roman Villa. After that, he will inaugurate the new Ananda Yoga and Meditation Center of Rome.
The city of Frederick reclines in the rolling hills of central Maryland as it has since before the days of the Civil War. It is from this charming, quiet city that I began my adventure to the woods of northern Massachusetts for my first Kriya initiation.This journey starts, as many Ananda journeys have started, with a reading of Autobiography of a Yogi. This book was the very first book I downloaded into one of the very first Amazon Kindle e-readers available to the general public. The reading of this amazing book led to an email acquaintance with Nayaswami Devarshi in the Ananda Kriya ministry.
What followed over the next year were lots of questions, Energization Exercises, meditations, chanting, more questions, lots of reading, a Discipleship ceremony, and finally: approval to participate in the Ananda Kriya initiation to be held at the Rolling Ridge Retreat Center in North Andover, MA in early May of 2010.
In the spirit of Autobiography of a Yogi, and with the understanding that I may never journey to the Himalayas, I decided to make this trip an adventure and chose a challenging, road-less-travelled path to the Rolling Ridge Retreat Center at North Andover.
Retreat grounds
The Retreat sits on 38 acres of wooded land, and serves as a religious retreat and conference center for people seeking to renew their faith in a quiet, elegant monastic setting.
Could there be a better place to host a Kriya initiation retreat?
I arrived early to the event and was able to set my bag down and explore the grounds before the day’s first activities began.
Late April covers Rolling Ridge with a lush spring quilt of leaves, grass, pine cones, and moss. The curious explorer, if he looks long enough, will find an old stonework fountain, walking trails to the lake, a peace pole, and a ‘meditative labyrinth’ with which to walk through.
Wooded paths
As serene as the grounds may be; however, the real showcase of the estate are the main houses where we eat, sleep, and commune. After a half century of religious retreats the energy of the campus is reflective, restorative, meditative, and timeless.
I imagine that if I listened long enough I would hear a quite voice on the wind saying, “I have something for you, something that your Father left for you in my care. Safe it has been waiting until you were ready. I am filled with happiness to finally share it with you.”
The other Ananda guests soon began to arrive, and we busied ourselves with registration details and checking in to our rooms. The men were on the top floor, in rooms hidden by all the nooks and crannies a proud New England estate could provide. From below us on the main floor I hear ringing bells. The time for sightseeing has come to an end. The Kriya retreat is officially under way!
Afternoon sadhana (spiritual practice) brought everybody to the main courtyard where, as a group, we practiced our Energization Exercises and yoga.
Exercising in the courtyard
Balancing on one foot with arms and legs in all different directions is hard enough and the challenge of cobblestones in the courtyard made windmills out of a few of us. After yoga we filed back into the building and into the temple room for chanting and meditation.
During this time I saw Nayaswamis Jaya and Sadhana Devi, long-time Ananda ministers who lead the retreat, for the first time. What a wonderful couple. I was unable to make an introduction as the group broke off for our first dinner; however, I was fortunate enough to sit next to Jaya at the dinner table.
Humorously, after a couple of false starts in our conversation he was able to gauge the depth of my exposure to Ananda. To his amusement, he spent several patient minutes explaining to me the proper way to pronounce the names of our Gurus that I had been reading about over the last year.
After dinner we returned to the temple and the company of many, many Ananda friends. Over the remainder of the evening I met people from Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, North Carolina, Oregon, and California.
I spent quality time with one of them late into the evening, learning about how Ananda meditation groups come together. And then, unrelated to anything we were discussing, he said, “God is the joy we experience in meditation.”
That was odd. Late at night and alone in the dining hall, he dropped this profound statement, then moved on to another topic without even a break in cadence.
Rolling with it, I rolled the sentence over and over again in my head and wondered how a year’s worth of study and meditation could be compressed into a single phrase and still have room to stretch in my mind. This must be the Ananda way.
The next morning started with a group meditation at 5:30 am, and I have to say that I wasn’t expecting anything quite so early. In no mood to miss anything this weekend, I made the extra effort and was “awake and ready.”
Breakfast was waiting for us after several hours of meditation, exercises, yoga, and chanting, and there were many healthy appetites to attend to. After breakfast and an hour of free time we gathered again in the temple room for a class on Kriya Yoga.
Nayaswami Jaya gave the best introduction to Kriya I have ever heard. I find yoga a difficult topic to introduce to new people, there are so many ideas wrapped in so many new vocabulary words that it is easy to get lost, and lose the attention of those I am speaking with.
As Jaya spoke, simply but with eloquence, he said, “Yoga is the science of happiness.”
There, it happened again! Right in the middle of Jaya’s talk, another profound sentence of great weight and simplicity. I am beginning to wonder if Ananda brings something to yoga, and not the other way around.
If all of the words from Yogananda’s and Kriyananda’s books that are shelved in my brain fell out, leaving only “God is the joy we experience in meditation,” and “Yoga is the science of happiness,” I would be understood by all.
After the Kriya class and a short meditation we gathered in the lunch room for the final meal before the Kriya initiation.
What can I say about Kriya initiation that hasn’t been said or experienced by thousands before me?
Figuratively, I felt a lifetime of experiences recede into a column of light and grace.
Ananda Kriyabans
I learned a new way to meditate and I learned a new way to learn. Bigger than our gathering, bigger than Ananda, bigger than Kriya, the Creator was at Rolling Ridge Retreat that day. Of course He is always there, yet on this day He let the clouds roll back and we glimpsed the Light of the Sun.
Silence followed us into dinner after our Kriya initiation. We ate, we reflected, we retired to our beds.
The next day started with the sound of a strolling kirtan (devotional chanting) greeting us with a 6:30 wake-up call. The new Kriyabans (Kriya Yoga initiates) gathered for a review of all we had learned the night before, followed by breakfast.
Next came the Purification Ceremony (part of the weekly Ananda Sunday Service) and the Service. It was wonderful, there were so many happy people there, and blessings flew back and forth throughout. I cannot say too much good about how well Ananda can sing. The choir during the Sunday service was perfect, and for all the claims I heard about not practicing enough, I am not sure how much better they could have been.
The weekend was coming to a close and I made my preparations to return to my home in Frederick. I met so many good people on this weekend retreat; I don’t know how to acknowledge them all.
If any of you are reading this, thank you, thank you, and thank you again. It was a great pleasure to meet all of you. I look forward to meeting all of you again soon. I want to extend a special thank you to Nayaswamis Jaya and Sadhana Devi for their dedication to this work and participation in this event.
I also must extend an equally special thank you to Tracy Anderson who hosted a flawless retreat.
Many of the Ananda India staff and devotees from Gurgaon – Delhi – Noida (also known as India National Capitol Region - NCR) went to Pune the weekend of March 27–29 for a retreat on our new community land.
It was hard to believe just how much things have progressed in just one year! The last time most of us had been there was the Bhoomi Poojan - land blessing in February 2009.
Dinner in the new dining area of the Retreat
Ananda India monks headed up the extremely complicated guest transportation schedule between Pune airport and train station, Ananda apartments and hotel in the city, and the community land, which is about one hour outside of Pune.
They led sadhanas (spiritual practices) in the grass-roofed temple, and a kirtan (devotional chanting) on Saturday evening. They took us on land tours which included new houses, kutirs (cabins), monastery, roads, and garden.
They, and many helpers, prepared three delicious meals a day for about sixty or seventy people. Dharmini from Ananda Gurgaon led our choir practice and singing. Dharmadas, Jaya, Sundeep and Amol (leaders of Ananda India) did a presentation on next phases for building, and for creating Ananda businesses to support the community.
As you can probably imagine, it was one of those wonderful, joy-filled Ananda weekends when everyone feels a part of a much bigger plan and can feel Yogananda’s grace throughout.
Walking from morning meditation to breakfast past the bath house. Small kutirs (cabins) are further up the hill.
Bramhacharis Jemal and Ditya (in yellow) lead the walking tour of the land.
Exterior of Swami Kriyananda’s house.
Inside Swamiji’s living room. It was designed to hold many people!
Lunch is served.
Kirtan (devotional chanting) under the stars.
Swami Kriyananda is answering questions from the audience.
We had the very good fortune to spend considerable time with Swami Kriyananda. We watched him recording two 2-hour sessions of TV programs based on the Bhagavad Gita commentaries, to be broadcast later throughout India and Asia.
Brian McSweeney, who is visiting from Ananda Palo Alto in California, was behind the camera, and there was a gorgeous Himalayan-themed backdrop behind Swamiji. On Sunday morning, instead of filming more programs, Swamiji lovingly and patiently answered the questions of many devotees who were squeezed into his living room.
Click below to listen to the audio recording of the Q&A, 105 minutes, 48 MB
We know Swamiji was tired from filming, but he seemed in top form and looked wonderful, as you will see in the photos. It was a deeply inspiring, precious time it was for all of us.
How many of you out there have experienced or are experiencing difficulty in expressing your spirituality through the unwitting oppression of a loved one?
It is not unusual for what may seem the strongest of relationships to break down when only one of the party discovers the real mission in life: To seek ones own divinity. I’m sure my experience will touch the hearts of some and perhaps even offer a little solace and inspiration.
When I began meditating, some years ago now, my husband, Michael was very sceptical about its merits and used to tease and jibe that I was up to some jiggery-pokery witchcraft. I used to meditate with 2 friends and he named us ‘The Three Witches’. Still, despite his teasing, he left me to it. It wasn’t until I discovered Raja Yoga and he realized I was moving in a new and purposeful direction outside of his understanding that he began to get more than a little twitched.
He recognized changes in me. I was more comfortable in my own company; less interested in worldly entertainment, and reading books that had ‘God’ in the title. I was accused of becoming a religious fanatic. As my time spent in meditation increased it became apparent that my husband deeply resented his self-made exclusion from this area of my life. Rather than eagerly anticipating my meditations, as I would surely have done, I began to dread the moment when it was time to meditate because I knew that it would trigger animosity in my husband. I began meditating in secret at night, all the while praying that God give him understanding and acceptance of me as I am and what I aspire to be.
The crunch came when I was accepted for initiation into Kriya Yoga. This meant a trip to Ananda Village in California, my chosen venue, and time spent away from my husband. We had rarely been apart. When I discussed it with him I remember thinking it strange that he didn’t object in the slightest. I invited him to come along, but he declined, which didn’t surprise me, yet I wanted him to know I was not pushing him out.
I knew it had gone too well, however. A couple of weeks later, when he had time to brood on my trip away, he began verbalising his concerns; valid for him. In his ignorance I was accused of getting swept along into something dangerous and that Ananda was a cult; that I was naïve and vulnerable and was being brain-washed. My husband would not take the trouble to research the website or read any of Ananda’s literature, which may have allayed some of his fears.
I recognised that my husband’s insecurities were all born of his attachment and perceived need of me. A love with strings that meant he lived in fear of losing my love. He thought I would run away to this ‘cult’. I knew he felt alienated from a relationship were we had once shared the same worldly interests. He said at one point that I was moving too fast and that I should slow down and wait for him. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that. No one has that right to ask that of anyone. He resented the change bitterly, was terribly jealous of the time that realizing God demands, yet he loved me dearly the only way he knew.
All throughout, my devotion was strong and I knew I must not give way. I stood my ground - new territory for me - and stalwartly kept the beacon burning for God in the firmness of my resolve. Through this test I gained such an inner strength that I can see that my husband has been my greatest blessing. That he was Guru teaching me to make a stand for what I perceive as Truth. I, in turn was my husband’s test.
On my return from the U.S, now a kriyaban (practitioner of Kriya yoga), my husband feigned disinterest in the whole trip and sneered at the photographs. I didn’t push the issue. I continued praying.
Then the excuse I needed to realize a life-long desire to go to India arrived. My 50th birthday! My husband had no desire to go there, but out of love for me was happy to ‘for my birthday’.
I announced that I would like to visit the new Ananda community in Pune and that I wished to take holy vows of renunciation: The vow of Tyaga, meaning I would become a tyagi (married monk) of the Nayaswami Order of Renunciates, founded by Swami Kriyananda. Poor Michael! His face told all. He thought I had finally lost my marbles, yet despite this he surprisingly didn’t raise any objection. I asked him would he like to read the vow. He declined the offer, but we went to India.
My previous blog, ‘The Land Where Saints still Tread’, tells the tale of our experience in Shirdi. The blessings my husband received changed him, yet he does not recognize that he has.
Two days following the Shirdi experience we went to Pune. I didn’t know until the day if he would accompany me to the Ananda community. Curiosity got the better of him. My husband was witness to my vowing, before God and Guru, my renunciation of the world! Never did I think I would see the day he was actually present at such a sacred and spiritually significant ceremony. He was even receptive to Nayasawmi Jaya when asked if he could offer him a blessing.
Nayaswami Jaya giving diksha (blessing) after I had made my vow
It was wonderful visiting the new land on which the community is being constructed. We had a great day. We were given a tour, met Nirmala and Dharmadas - the spiritual directors of Ananda India - I meditated with other wonderful gurubhais (fellow disciples), we had lunch and had a look round Swami Kriyananda’s new house.
Swami Kriyananda’s house
My husband even befriended one of the devotees who was tending the new vegetable garden and decided, in the midday heat, to give her a hand with the digging!
Michael working in the community garden
He thoroughly was swept along in the vibration and enthusiasm of all present and he said that he would like to return and see how the site is coming on in a year or 2. In visiting Ananda, Michael realized that Ananda members are wonderful and sincerely devout people that don’t have devils horns and chains with which to ensnare unsuspecting women!
Myself, Michael, Dharmadas and Nirmala
Discussing the vow with him that evening, Michael bravely confessed to me he actually liked the part of the vow that pertained to partnerships:
…I will view my partner as a channel of God’s blessing, guidance, and strength, and will strive always to be a similar channel in return.
I will endeavor always, through the love and respect I feel for my partner, to reach out in love and service to all humanity…
I could have wept for joy, but contained myself for fear of his embarrassment. I just nodded calmly and smiled, thanking God for this change.
Although my husband still intellectually expresses no interest in spirituality, nor any real understanding of mine, what has transpired - and I believe through prayer and blessings - is an inner transformation; an intuition that has made his love more expansive that now enables a tolerance and acceptance of my own transformation. His actions reflect what is in his heart, which his head has still to acknowledge. A truth has been recognized, that to allow me to be who I am, to allow me to move outside the box he had placed me in, has actually brought us closer together, rather than pushed us apart.
His transformation would not have happened in this way had he not been open enough to join me in my trip to India, even if only instigated by mere curiosity. Only God, however, knows how that seed of curiosity was planted!
I made a stand for what I perceive as Truth. I demonstrated to Micheal a faith in God such as he has no option but to accept will never falter. He recognized he had a choice to either move with me, at his own pace, or to stand on the side line watching me walk on. We cannot hope to instigate change by trying to impose our will on other people. We can only ever change ourselves and calmly watch the repercussions.
Now?.. my husband will look at the clock and remind me it’s my meditation time. Together we are visiting Ananda Assisi, in Italy, this summer. He also wishes to accompany me to Ananda Village next year and said he might even listen to a talk or 2!
My dear husband’s latest gesture of an expanding love comes in the form of an alter he has built for me in our spare room.
My altar
I am told it is only with very good karma that a person will find a partner that is devout. Two years ago I could never have dreamed for such blessings; that my husband’s love would become less selfish and more divine in nature, and he doesn’t even realize…or does he?
